Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product

wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?

me:

It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.

[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders

Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]

*Falls off ladder*

Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?

Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.

Leaving my son at college

Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning

Husband: Love ya bud

[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL

If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.

me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it

College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens

This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.

My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?

Me: Yes.

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.

My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.

I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool

Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.

7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified

7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials

I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.

I’m already scared

Me: what big eyes you have!

Me: what big nose you have!

Me: what big teeth you have!

Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?

It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.

The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective

[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”

[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that

Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*

Repeat forever.

The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.

Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.

Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.

Golf would be better with landmines.