Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.

Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon

I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.

Just kidding. Could you imagine?

The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.

Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!

*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes

Me: I’m here for my photoshoot

X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that

I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…

I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”

Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.

Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”

Me: “Nope.”

Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”

My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.

Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life

The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.

Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.

You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.

Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”

[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s

Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.

15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.

If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.

“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool

When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.

[gazing into The mirror of Erised]

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence

If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.

Me: Experts say a messy house is a sign of love and safety.

Husband: What experts?

Me: Experts.

Husband: But who?

Me: Me. I’m the experts.

Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body

My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream

*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.

My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics

[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?