Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh

Me:…

Cashier:…

Me:…

Cashier:…

Me: yep

Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next

2022: I can fix it

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

I’m giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :

I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.

Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!

Said No Man Ever

*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*

“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”

If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.

She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.

COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem

Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.

Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.

Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.

I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.

Daughter: He found a garter snake

Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-

Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt

Mom: Damn it

the composer

A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious

I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.

Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.

Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.

Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.

I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.

[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.

Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!

She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.

if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack

The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?

Of course we’re not.

There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.

CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*

The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.

This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.

[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂