Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets

For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice

I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around

*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”

Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat

The body is 70% water..

So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..

What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.

If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.

I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.

[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..

ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help

I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.

Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”

[at the pearly gates]

I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.

Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.

And send.

Heard this in a movie…

What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂

Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.

They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!

ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.

Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.

Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”

Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?

Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me

I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100

‘I know a black person’

– White people

Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.

[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though

ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.

San Francisco has too many rules

Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.

[Quarantine]

Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.

Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?

Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES

Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic

[3 months later]

Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time