Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
You Might Also Like
Drilling for oil is well boring.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Person: What’s your handicap?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
The enemy of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy is Kevin Bacon
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.