Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s

Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp

Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.

Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.

society: buy a sheet for your mattress

me: ok makes sense

society: then a sheet for that sheet

me:

society: then a blanket for that sheet

me: i think-

society: and a blanket for the blanket

me: you done?

society: oh and 30 pillows

Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?

REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?

ME: I did not realize that had started.

Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.

“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother

When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”

What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.

I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.

Then I get kicked out.

That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.

Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.

Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars

a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials

I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!

*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

3yo: can we watch something?

Me: sure what do you want?

3yo: anything but the maps.

Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening

no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.

Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.

Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”

Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.

Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.

People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1

[riding crowded elevator]

Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make

Jeez Louise: five

Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community

a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”

At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.