Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.

Things I have in common with an avocado:

-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips

If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.

Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!

Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.

If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.

Family Celebrity

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?

Me: no I just look like that

WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?

ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!

I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.

It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.

I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries

I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife

I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3

I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”

These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.

ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too

FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

A ghost story

crush: i really like music

me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*

told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately

Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.

And that’s why you clean your room, kids.

The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that

It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child

Mom: here comes the plane!

Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?

[*planning dinner*]

Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”

Her: “Oh, any!”

Later:

date: i like the strong silent type

me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]