Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
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Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Shopping for a toaster yesterday I came across this review.
“Easy to use instructions.”
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING