Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
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To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!