Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
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BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
R.I.P. 2024 (2024 – 2024)
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
This is my emotional support knife.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there