Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
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are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*