Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Am I capable of premeditated murder?

Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.

Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?

ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.

Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.

Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.

I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.

Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.

Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.

impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks

Them: Have you tried dieting?

Me: Have you ever tried pizza?

KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait

superterriblemorningexpialidocious

How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?

Names should have syllable limits. Oh your name is Jeremiah? Nice to meet you Ted

Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.

When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”

Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”

In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.

Me: I really want to go travelling

My bank balance: like…around the house?

All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.

Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.

All my small talk is done with a car horn.

Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?

Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other

Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.