Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
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One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
cop: you’re under arrest
me: you’re under arrest
cop: what
me: get in the car
cop: yours or mine
me: yours
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Not even remotely sorry.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.