Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
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BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*