Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??

I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.

ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her

I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.

It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!

It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets

“Well … I’ll be dammed.”

Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.

Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.

I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.

Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.

I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share

only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday

What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?

Asgard.

As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.

GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM

Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would

You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.

My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: actually i am

me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

*First and last date:

“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”

me: [searching for the will to live]

will: I have a girlfriend

Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.

Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.

woke up on the wrong side of the jed today

COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope

Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.

Ah yes. The three genders

“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room

Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.

*uses falsetto voice*

MR. SMOOCHES!!

Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold

Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.