ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
You Might Also Like
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.