Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”

i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation

My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.

I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.

Me: * tastes dog treats*

Stalker: frickin weirdo

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

[Breaking up]

It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.

My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…

I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.

Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition

Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike

the way he checked his surroundings 😭

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner

Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!

I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train

Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals

Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined

*phone rings*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.

*voicemail notification*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.

I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.

Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies

“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-

Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”

Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”

When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again

i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house

Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.

So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”

every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”

The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.