ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
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We will use anything but the metric system
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.