Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
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I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
🤣
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats