Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
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Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
a McRib killed my tapeworm
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great