Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”

Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”

Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun

You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.

No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.

My iPhone does NOT rule my life.

Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.

I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.

I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.

[playing checkers]

him: king me

me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate

imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…

You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet

paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?

[from back of the room]: twitter

“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class

Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors

person i just met reaches out for hand shake

me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people

Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.

“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.

You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean

Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me

If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*

Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.

You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline

My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno

GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*

Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?

*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*

Meme: I have a boyfriend.

If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.

Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.

My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.