Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift

Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think

Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.

🤣

The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline

If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.

So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.

My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples

All the tiny apples:

BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?

ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses

cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”

If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.

I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so

6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes

me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..

movie exec: i’m not sure that..

me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park

movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..

Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?

*blinks profusely at cashier*

Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.

You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”

accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy

Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees

Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.

Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.

Marriage Counsellor: …

[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows

[at office Halloween party]

Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards

The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow

Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher

My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”

Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.

“Only God can judge me”

People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.

Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way

I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.

ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day

FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?

ME: no, I just had the one