LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?
A friend’s old roommate handmade guitars from Canadian maple with hand cut mother of pearl inlays. He showed me several works in progress and how many hours it took for each step. Truly a labor of love. I learned that day that if you follow your passion, you can bore anyone.
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
