Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
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asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
serving silly goose instead of turkey
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that