Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.

A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.

You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.

Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?

“shh, I’m getting mad online”

Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?

Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?

Astrologer: no

Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.

Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?

The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.

[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd

Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason

saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone

walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway

When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…

if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi

God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..

Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze

God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row

I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75

“Theirye’re” problem solved

Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out

3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!

You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.

* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am

My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*

My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?

Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.

If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.

I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds

MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.

People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.