Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
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Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar