Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
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[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
me: lmao i saw it on twitter
them: what’s your twitter
me: i don’t have twitter
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.