Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
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I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”
Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”
It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.