Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]

my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails

me: yes

my brain: are you ever going to read them?

me: no

my brain: then delete them

me: no

no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls

I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.

[Murderer breaks into my house]

Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”

That’s fair

My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.

Chinese Food: $16.72

Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94

Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless

ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*

MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?

ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.

Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0

[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind

Mean things I kind of want to do:

1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.

2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”

“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.

“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!

If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.

So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*

Nothing happens

My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.

[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall

You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.

If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips

I used to be married, but I’m better now

Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?

Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs

Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you

[stumbles out of bar with girl]

We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby