Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
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18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?