Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.

Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.

Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes

People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore

Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..

The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.

Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.

Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.

learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument

“I can’t feel my legs”

–mermaids

You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.

This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”

“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks

“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats

Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak

Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.

I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.

People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.

The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.

me: i hate my job

gf: why don’t you try living off the land

me: like in the sky?

gf: what

me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long

I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.

This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.

If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends

Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.

Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.

When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.

Did I spell something wrong?

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.

Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this