Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.

For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.

Probably.

Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all

In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.

Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.

I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”

Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

Darth Vader: Luke

Luke: ya

Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father

Luke: um ok

Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan

Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO

there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you

I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.

Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!

Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though

Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“Cuz im going too fast?”

Cop: Yes, slow down.

“But it’s been 6 months-”

Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.

Movie Theater: *lights go down*

Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*

Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.

Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips

Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day

Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot

Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it

[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back

You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.

There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???

Interviewer: What makes you unique?

Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.

I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.

You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?

A nap.

(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)

(Or naps.)

Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet

[watching a movie]

Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?

Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor

Me:

Him:

Me: *eyes narrow*

Him: *eyes narrow*

*both start frantically googling*

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.

karate teacher: shatter that board

me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched

teacher: not like that

board: *crying* yeah not like that

I don’t care how you season it, ham radios definitely taste more like radio than they do ham

“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general