A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
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I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Every time my phone rings
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem