Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.

I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!

[At the Grand Canyon]

Me:

I L o v e T h i s P l a c e

[ECHO]

[ECHO]

GC: Let’s just be friends

If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.

We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner

“Haha sweet potatoes?”

DON’T

“Don’t what?”

You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun

“I YAM NOT!”

I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?

My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”

Please send help, I’m am deceased.

husband: we should role play tonight

me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad

husband: huh, that’s oddly specific

me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it

awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls

I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.

Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich

Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.

Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!

Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.

If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.

If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”

Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.

Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”

sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location

While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.

With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.

Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”

mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married

Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe

I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.

Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .

I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.

What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.

I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now

Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.