Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows

Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.

Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are

*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*

What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?

You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”

Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it

I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.

Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.

I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly

Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭

in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,

I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!

Took me years to rebuild friendships.

This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…

*counts*

…twelve dollars.

(Don’t you judge me.)

Pizza is an emotion right?

Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked

Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.

I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.

The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.

The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.

These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.

me: *ordering an orange juice*

8yo: does it have pulp?

me: I’m not sure

8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way

me: *finds new bruise*

brain: press it

[Quiz show]

Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”

Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”

Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”

Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?

Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO

Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.