Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i hate it when someone gives me a valid solution to my problem and i have to find something new to complain about

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.

Someone told me they had beef with me and I got pissed off that it wasn’t a brisket

WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing

As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”

The perfect label doesn’t exi-

[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*

My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.

deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason

*hands a turd to the teacher

Teacher: What’s this?!

Me: My dog ate my homework.

HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*

My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.

You had me at “Bathes regularly”.

You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.

My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.

I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.

(more comics:

How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?

fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.

Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired

6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down

My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.

[First date]

HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants

ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT

I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.

I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.

If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.

Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.

If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”

Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.