[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
ladies: the day after Halloween, don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth when men tell you to smile
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If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
You haven’t experienced awkward until you tickle someone who isn’t ticklish.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
ICE CREAM MAN: does anyone know CPR
DOCTOR:*looks at ice cream cones in both his hands, looks up, then slowly walks away*
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to