As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
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Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.