@sammynickalls

ladies: the day after Halloween, don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth when men tell you to smile

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@mean_spice

[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*

@ariscott

If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.

@Lpbinder

You haven’t experienced awkward until you tickle someone who isn’t ticklish.

@TeaPartyCat

An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.

@YoungNobler

Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.

@hippieswordfish

*guy collapses*
ICE CREAM MAN: does anyone know CPR
DOCTOR:*looks at ice cream cones in both his hands, looks up, then slowly walks away*

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now

Bear attacking me: [bear noises]

@Reverend_Scott

[God creating cats]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to