Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
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[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.