Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
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HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.