Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*

Other people: I should put that back where it belongs

Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it

Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast

Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”

Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.

ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break

*gets hungry*

*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*

*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*

Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.

I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.

I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1

I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.

i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right

My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.

In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.

I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.

DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again

Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo

SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it

Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.

My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*

Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!

4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?

[introducing a girl to my parents]

“These are the roommates I was telling you about”

none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks

RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on

Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly

I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.

Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.

you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet

i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.

“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly