Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
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Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Me as a therapist: omg same
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.