Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: can we stop at olive garden

mom: we have family at home

ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!

New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?

Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.

I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.

movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).

i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

[if I was in horror movies, a thread]

jock: let’s split up

me: no

If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind

That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring

You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears

…yes please

Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”

When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.

That’s the moment you wish you had kids.

My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.

You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”

Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.

[ first day in retail]

me: can i help you find something

customer: im just window shopping

me: we don’t sell those

Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”

furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.

*at party*

Guy: Want to dance?

Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.

if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u

I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.

The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.

“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?

Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?

💯😂

hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)

[first day as an art thief]

Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money

Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile