Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
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Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!