Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
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imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
San Francisco has too many rules
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man
Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them
But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level