Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
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Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Help
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
[applying mascara]
Brain: open your mouth.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba