Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
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[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.