Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.

YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids

I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.

[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..

When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me

GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!

HARRY POTTER: 🙁

DUMBLEDORE: 🙁

VOLDEMORT: : (

We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means

cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you

Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.

Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.

So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.

[narrating a commercial for therapy]

“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.

Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.

That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.

Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.

I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.

Adultry does not sound fun at all

Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.

When libraries troll their patrons.

Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.

I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.

Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.

My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”

The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.

I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.

6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.

4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.

Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.

My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:

me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”

Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*

Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?

3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself