Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
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5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.