Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*

A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.

“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.

Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.

Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: I said no.

What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog

Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*

[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.

if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS

You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.

[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?

Me: I thought you’d never ask

Him: Oh, really? *winks*

Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord

Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.

Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.

Me: Nachos.

Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.

Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?

We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids

I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.

-no one ever

My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.

[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]

Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.

it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher

Her: why are you covered in egg

Me: I got into a fight

Her: did you win?

Me: yes It was over, easy

Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*

Her: When did you get a belly ring?

Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop

I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.

COP: It’s 4/20

ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!

COP: Then you’re under arrest

ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!

COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?

ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there

Meow

[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]

Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic

“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…

…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.

What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.