Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
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I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button