Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them

Once you realize there is no going back, a guy with a time machine appears in your life and ruins everything.

Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.

Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store

I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…

Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:

-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat

a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco

I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.

I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?

May never get over this

[Date]

Me: tell me about yourself

Her: I’m really vegan

Me: oh no

Her: and I have a kid

Me: oh no

Her: his name is Kale

Me: ohhh noo

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.

taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night

I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.

I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.

Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep

I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.

[news anchor]

“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”

Me: Did-

Wife: Your blood pressure is fine

My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.

As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.

This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.

If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

Oops

Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with

Anyone: hey girl

Me: 😠

Anyone: excuse me ma’am

Me: 😡

Anyone: yo mister

Me: 😡😡😡

A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date