Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
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Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.