Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
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Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Grandmother clock.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”