Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.

This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice

Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!

Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.

“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion

The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.

Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.

Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian

I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…

and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”

Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter

oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer

been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.

waiter: would you like a table?

me: yes, the multiplication please

Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.

As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.

[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.

I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…

When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.

[job interview]

Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?

Me: No.

Him: What’s your salary requirement?

Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.

*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*

Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open

Me: No problem

I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.

4: The baby has a lot of skin!

Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…

4:

Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….

4:

Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.

surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter

I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.

I hope his new foster family is nice.

God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.

Butterfly: please?

God: I can’t do it.

Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.

Butterfly: ok fine : (

Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.

I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.

what’s the point then??

Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship

2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work

Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity