Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens

[first date]

Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?

Her:

Me: Yeah, good choice.

*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way

Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds

Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.

If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.

Me: Okay. When will that be?

Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.

Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.

My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.

If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…

How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻‍♀️

doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day

doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall

A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.

WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep

ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working

nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works

I know

Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.

told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”

“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.

When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!

All the slides were just pictures of me….

Me: Why were my tests so expensive?

Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.

Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?

Hospital: Our fax machine was down.

Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?

this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website

i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars

And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.

STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??

ME: *slowly stands up*

replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.

What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?

Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.