Ladies, why y’all do this?
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When I was in elementary school, I won first place in three years of science fairs. When my daughter was in elementary school, I also won first place in three science fairs.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.