Ladies, why y’all do this?
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[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.