Ladies, why y’all do this?
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every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
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A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
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Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
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Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no