Ladies, why y’all do this?
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When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!