Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
You Might Also Like
saving face 👀
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty