Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
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Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Short story
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it