Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jeff: i’m pro gun.

Me: i’m anti gun.

Greg: i’m vegan.

Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.

I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!

*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”

Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions

Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication

Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.

SON: What will happen when I die?

DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?

SON: YA-

DAD: You’re not a dog.

GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made

ANGELS: [confused applause]

Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.

My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.

“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.

I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.

Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.

My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.

Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?

Me: Huh?

Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.

My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.

no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????

It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”

I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing

Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.

love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”

Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?

[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?

Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.

Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me

Greeting card

[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.