Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
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I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber