Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
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I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…
I’m never going to recover from this.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
He-man has a Masters degree
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.