Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.

people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description

I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong

Me: Delete it!

Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.

I think that’s enough internet for one day…

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*

“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”

– Flash mob

AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?

*Daycare drop off*

4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.

Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?

My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.

I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.

Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”

Said the murderer.

I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”

Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.

Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.

[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth

Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night

Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.

Weighing myself:

“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”

“Okay, best of 3”

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.

What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?

A good wedding reception

This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now

It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.

We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.

If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.