Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
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I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently