Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.

I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them

Husband:

I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.

Me: I’m going to poop

Dog: Great I’m coming with you

Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.

[family WhatsApp group]

me: I’ll visit this weekend

dad: OK

mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…

mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold

You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.

He’s dead

My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.

imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)

Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.

Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?

My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

Twitter remains undefeated

Govt: How many dependents do you have?

Me: 7

Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]

I had a parent text me saying her 7yo son wouldn’t believe that she knew how to do a math homework problem he was confused about, and would I please text back saying she is correct so that he will get ready for bed. 😂

[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?

[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back

He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.

woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me

“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”

– inventor of the bagpipe

I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”

What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?

I’m that

Doing math together is known as fourplay.

Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.

I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.

That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.

Not just when he sees me naked.

[At check-out] *gets out credit card*

Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?

Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.

My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was

the prophecies have been fulfilled