Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.

If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.

Harry Potter Diss Track

Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?

he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young

Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.

My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough

My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.

[First day as a fighter pilot]

*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*

Boss: do you have Twitter?

Me: what’s twitter?

Boss: no seriously

Me: ……

Me: no hablo Inglés

boy calls me cute: thanks i guess

boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding

My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.

My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough

I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking

HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—

ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.

You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,

The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.

Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.

He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk

My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE

Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.

I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.

Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong

Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher

[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want

You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.

watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them

Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth

Cop: seen anything unusual?

Me: a dolphin with a hat once

Cop: I mean around here

Me: nah they live in water

I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match