Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I have no choice, there is no other way

*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*

Barber: How do you want it?

Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.

🛁

Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?

Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can

Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.

yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm

Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.

*wipes prints off microwave handle*

don’t message me unless you have this energy

“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.

“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”

Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”

I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.

There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.

how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day

They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.

The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’

I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

HAPPY EARTH DAY!

Suck it, Neptune.

“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE

[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard

Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.

My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.

A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.

While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.

I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.

Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.

I forced her to tell me what I was to her

Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored

In marriage, there are two conversations:

The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.