Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
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Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino đź’¤
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones